My OCD and Penis buckets- Not in the least related …

Coming out about having OCD is not easy. In fact I’m in denial. I just insist I’m a very clean person. The trouble is, this being a very clean person is killing me! Fortunately I am only OCD when it comes to housework.

So, here we go. My name is Lynda and I am an obsessive. It’s been 10 minutes since I last had a duster and Pledge in my hand. I’m serious too. I have a cleaner who tells me the house is spotless and that is before she starts cleaning.

It’s Bank Holiday and my husband is home although I am sure he wishes he was at work because the poor bugger can’t move.

cleaning lady

So how does this OCD manifest itself? I can only talk about me, of course. My biggest problem is House and Home magazine or 25 Beautiful Houses or any other such magazine that publish photos of immaculate beautiful houses. I’m extremely gullible and actually believe people do have starched white pillow cases on their bed and lovely folded blankets across their couch. Not to mention the coffee tables with huge coffee table books and pretty ornaments. So, what happens when you try to create this look in your own home when you have other people living in it? Tensions and mayhem is what.

It’s just beginning to occur to me that tidying the bed when my husband is lying in it is maybe just a touch insane. Seriously, I have been known to pretty the bed when he is in it and yell at him for having clothes on the floor. If the bedroom doesn’t still resemble ‘Beautiful Homes’ when we’re lying in it I feel myself get anxious and edgy. All the drawers must be closed. No doors open. All books straight and neat on the bedside cabinet and if he so much as moved a clock out of place, I would go mad. Normal behaviour? I don’t think so.  When we go to bed he enjoys throwing the cushions off the bed and trying to get them in the gap next to the wardrobe. I think it is his way of rebelling. When we make the bed it can take ages and he sometimes storms off in frustration. Mostly because I keep insisting he piles the pillows again and again until they are just right and match mine. I’m surprised he hasn’t put his hands around my throat.  But, there’s still time.

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Another problem for me is that I am also trying to write novels. This is my full-time job. At least it is supposed to be. But I can’t write in my writing room unless everything is just so. A speck on the floor can distract me.

Poor Andrew has been known to return from work to find the house rearranged. Thankfully I’ve stopped doing that now because furniture is heavy isn’t it? But that doesn’t stop me rearranging the kitchen until it resembles a perfect kitchen like one in the magazines. Then of course Andrew can’t pour a drink or get a snack unless everything goes back where it was. I’ve been known to clean the sides and draining board while he is still washing up. One kitchen counter I don’t allow him to use because it means moving a vase of flowers. We cannot have anything on the coffee table because it will spoil the display. Andrew tells me good humouredly that we need one house for show and one house to live in. It really doesn’t help that the minute he gets up from the couch, I start plumping the cushions. I grumble if he drips on the bathroom floor after having a shower. It spoils the look of my ‘House Beautiful’ bathroom. I’m amazed I allow us to pee in the loo.

I make this sound funny because that’s what I do. But it really is tiring to have a house looking just so. Or attempting to have it looking like a page from ‘Home and Gardens’ And it is not conducive thing is, my car looks like a Steptoe and Son house. I mean, go figure. Passengers have to clear the passenger seat to sit down. But somehow that doesn’t bother me. If you know the reason for this, let me know.

But I have decided to give up being house proud and to fight this overwhelming desire to have everything just so and to relax because frankly I’m exhausted.

Wish me luck. The question is do I throw out all the ‘House Beautiful’ mags?

Oh and if you’re wondering what the mad woman writes. You can download one of my books.  In fact ‘Pink Wellies and Flat Caps’ is on special at the moment. Only 99p! Read about the penis bucket. Yes, penis bucket. Have fun.

Go here for yours
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Why Every Woman Should Read A Lynda Renham Novel

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Thrilled to have this fab article written about me by the very talented Gabriella De Feo

 

WHY EVERY WOMAN SHOULD READ A LYNDA RENHAM NOVEL

by Gabriella De Feo

Smiley Sport Journalism Graduate who writes about anything from weddings to work outs!

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I was first introduced to Lynda Renham’s books by my Mum three years ago. She said ‘Croissants and Jam’ was a bit rude, a bit sweary and very funny (not far off how I’d describe myself!) So I had to give it a read.

Perhaps a bit cliche but I honestly couldn’t put the book down. Renham’s writing style is simple yet nothing is predictable, making it only too easy to read on and find out which relatable incident has happened to her female lead.

Somewhat Bridget Jones-esque,the romantic comedies this extremely talented author creates have a lot more depth and will doubtlessly keep you guessing more than your average love story.

At present I am fortunate enough to be reviewing her latest release ‘Rory’s Proposal’ which, in a welcome change from previous romance-dominated titles, centres around a woman who faces the challenge of running her own business.

Whether you have recently taken up reading as a hobby, want a reason to laugh or are a fan of authors such as Helen Fielding, I can assure you a book (or a few!) by Lynda Renham will do more than put a smile on your face.

Lynda’s books are available to buy in either Paperback or Kindle Edition on Amazon.